ÅAS sexual health counseling – Question box answer

In autumn 2024, ÅAS offers sexual health counseling to all members of the Student Union. You can book an appointment (send an email to nora.moller@abo.fi) or leave a question in the question box. Answers to the questions are usually published every second week on Friday in the language in which the question is asked.
Below is the second question and answer. The sexual health counselor is Nora Möller.

Question: What to do when I have lost desire for sex?

Answer: One of the most common sexual problems is loss of sexual desire, or that it feels like it was never there. In everyone’s life, the desire for sex will vary over the course of their life and it is important that it is allowed to do so; it does not have to be a problem in itself. Nor does it have to be perceived as a problem at all. However, if it is perceived as a problem in your life, you do not have to accept it as it is, but you can try to find solutions for it.

The causes of low sex drive can be many and very individual, but in general it is often a combination of several things, such as anxiety, fatigue, changes in your life situation or side effects of some medication. It can also be performance anxiety or a fear of rejection if you make a sexual invitation. A negative self-image or unrealistic expectations can also play a role in it.
In relationships, it is not uncommon that after the feelings of exploration where everything is new and exciting turn into a place of security and recovery, desire can be put aside in favour of more mundane tasks.

When it comes to sex and sexual desire, it is important to think about what you enjoy. In everyday life, there are often many things that demand our attention and we direct much of our attention outwards. What if we turned some of that attention inwards, towards ourselves? What is it that gives you positive feelings in sex? What do you want out of it? Do you want to feel pleasure in the moment, is it a way to bond with a partner, a way to feel proud of your body, do you want to feel excitement, do you want to do it to satisfy a partner, does it feel like a hobby? There are no wrong answers and there can be many reasons.

Some factors in life will help you find and feel desire, while others can slow it down. A good way to visualise this is to think of it as having brake and accelerator pedals. If the brake is on, you have to release it and press down on the accelerator to move forward, you can’t just accelerate.

Try to find your own brakes (e.g. tiredness, irritation, wrong kind of stimulus or worry that someone will catch you in the act) and your accelerators (e.g. closeness, sexual compliments, excitement, proper time or a certain place). Once you have identified your brakes and accelerators, it is easier to remove brakes and increase accelerators.

Another way to visualise the process can be according to a staircase model. Everyone can try and identify one’s own accelerators and brakes, but the staircase model is most helpful for people in a relationship:
1. Remove brakes
2. Review your situation. When is the best time for sex?
3. Are there are conflicts? If so, take care of the most important ones and ignore the others.
4. Make sure you create good conditions for closeness. Make sure you have time for each other and create an environment where you are comfortable telling each other what you enjoy.
5. Add gas pedals. If it feels like sex is pretty much out of the picture, it may be better not to create expectations of sex directly but to start with intimacy, perhaps making out and petting, and build up a sexual atmosphere e.g. by sending flirty text messages during the day or giving sexual compliments at breakfast. Creating positive associations with sex makes it easier for both the brain and the body to keep up, and it is easier to feel the desire.

Since there are so many individual reasons for what makes you lose the desire for sex, it is difficult to say exactly where to focus, but in general it is important to really let yourself feel what creates desire and what prevents desire (accelerator and brake pedals). By communicating these to a partner, you also create better conditions for more pleasure in that relationship.