ÅAS sexual health counseling – Question box answer

In autumn 2024, ÅAS offers sexual health counseling to all members of the Student Union. You can book an appointment (send an email to nora.moller@abo.fi) or leave a question in the question box.
Answers to the questions are usually published every second week on Friday in the language in which the question is asked. Below is the fifth question and answer. The sexual health counselor is Nora Möller.

Question: What is a healthy way to deal with jealousy in a relationship?

Answer: Jealousy is an emotion among many others that a person can experience.
In a relationship, jealousy can arise if you feel that your partner is directing interest, affection or concern towards someone else. Accept how you feel and that jealousy is also an emotion in your emotional register. However, it is important to think about how you let it out and whether you should actually act on it.

In the first place, it is the person who is jealous who needs to work on themselves, but things that affect a relationship should be discussed with the other person because, after all, there are two persons in that particular relationship.

Jealousy is often an expression of fear or anxiety about losing your partner (or other important person). What are you actually afraid of or worried about? Are you afraid that your partner has lost interest in you? Are you afraid that you will not have enough time together? Are you afraid that you won’t get enough physical closeness from the other? Or emotional closeness?

By clarifying for yourself what you are really afraid of or worried about, it is easier to discuss that particular issue with your partner. If you are worried that you are not good enough and that the other person will therefore leave you, it is probably your self-esteem that you need to work on, while if you feel emotionally insecure, you need to think about how to increase your security.

If you are really struggling with jealousy, it can take the form of controlling behavior. You might ask or demand that your partner gives you the password to their phone, or express disapproval of the pictures they post on social media, or even try to control your partner’s social life.
Any kind of controlling behavior is unhealthy for the relationship and there won’t be any positive outcome of it. If you feel that you have such tendencies, you should try to curb them, and if you feel that someone else is making such requests or demands, you should not agree to them.
Try to figure out where your limits are and what you are comfortable with, where you feel some anxiety or discomfort and where you can meet within this and whether there is room for flexibility.

Through monitoring and control, uncertainty increases and you start to see signs everywhere that things are not as they should be. Instead, you should build trust in each other. One way is to focus on the positive things in the relationship, and pay attention to the moments when you show each other care. Showing each other appreciation also strengthens the relationship.

Open communication is important, and when it comes to jealousy, this includes having the courage to admit to yourself and the other person what doesn’t feel good, and being able to discuss it without accusing or blaming.

If you notice that jealousy is starting to take over, it can be good to take a step back and distract yourself with something else, such as exercise, socializing with others or doing something that occupies you while the feeling fades away. At all times, you are not ready to have a discussion and then it can wait for a bit. It can also be good to get someone else’s view on things to get some perspective on a situation or behavior. This could be a friend, for example, or some form of counseling or other professional help.