Relationships, loneliness and ways to get support through sexual health counselling

Read time approx. 3 minutes

As a sexual health counsellor, I sometimes discuss loneliness with clients.

Loneliness can manifest itself in the form of a desire to have a partner; someone to do things with, share interests with, share everyday life with, share worries with, have sex with, and be close to both emotionally and physically. When it feels as though ‘everyone’ else is finding a partner, it can lead to a range of emotions, with loneliness among them.

Identify the underlying needs behind the desire for a partner

If you feel that you’d really like to have a partner but it feels like you’re not meeting the right person, my advice is to start by thinking about what it is you’re actually missing in your life, and is it really a partner who can help you with those desires or needs?

Do you want to go travelling but lack company, and find it difficult to do it on your own? Do you miss having sex with someone else because you want to feel close to them? Or because you feel emotionally secure in a relationship where there is sexual intimacy? Do you wish there was a safe person in your life to whom you could confide your secrets?

If you manage to get a handle on what you really want or need, it’s easier to find solutions for it. A partner doesn’t have to be the one who meets all your needs, and you can find other social connections to enrich your life and feel less lonely.

Many people associate sex with a partner, yet sex with oneself is completely free of expectations, and you don’t need to think about anything other than your own pleasure, exactly as you wish. There are many benefits to this too.

The role of loneliness in how we seek closeness, security and relationships

If you often feel lonely, it’s also easy to imagine that a partner would be the solution to everything, but that isn’t the whole truth either. You can feel lonely even though you’re in a relationship; perhaps you’ve lost touch with each other along the way and no longer know how to be with one another when they feel far away. Even though you live with the other person, you can still feel lonely.

If you feel lonely, it’s important to remember that there’s nothing ‘wrong’ with you. Fundamentally, humans are social beings who want to feel a sense of belonging to a group, but it’s also important to practice taking care of your own desires and needs without a partner.

Feelings of loneliness can manifest in one’s sexuality in various ways. It can affect one’s relationships, intimacy, sex drive, simply the nature of one’s needs.

Conversations as a path to support, understanding and professional help

Whatever your life situation may be, talking to someone is a good first step. It is often very comforting to talk about your feelings and tell someone how you are doing and how you feel. It could be a friend you’ve had since childhood or a stranger online; simply saying things out loud is often liberating. Often, you may also find that others can relate to your feelings or experiences.

For example, Nyyti and the University Chaplains can be helpful if you’re looking for someone to talk to. You can also get in touch with me, Nora Möller, who is a Sexual Health Counsellor. You’ll find all the information on the Student Union’s website. If you find that you then need other types of professional help to work through things more deeply that is also a good step on the way.

Nora Möller
Sexual Health Counsellor
The Student Union of ÅAU